This one’s controversial 😳

Feelings are not “feminine.”

Feelings are what create connections and safe spaces at work—and beyond.

When I first started speaking as an analyst, I was told I had to speak a certain way. The “dude” way. Get on stage, emphasize the topic’s importance, pretend you know everything.

I was miserable!

So I disrupted things and started talking about my feelings. I shared my experience as a short, Asian woman trying to break into the thought leadership business dominated by tall white men. I talked about how I fought to fit in and how I had few role models who looked like me.

That’s when I came alive. That’s when I finally broke through.

I have to be honest: It wasn’t easy! The first time I shared so openly and highlighted how different I am, I felt incredibly vulnerable. (As if being alone on a stage wasn’t enough!)

But it was worth it.

Because people started approaching me after my speeches. They told me how they’d never heard someone share a story and emotions that so closely mirrored their own.

(Tellingly, it’s usually women and people of color who approached me to say that after I shared my story!)

But here’s the thing: It’s not really about feelings. It’s about being vulnerable and taking a risk by showing up as who we really are.

Our work benefits from this mindset and behavior as our perspective and solutions to problems open up to new possibilities. So how do we encourage everyone to be vulnerable and their full selves? How do we create safe spaces at work?

Let’s start by recognizing that it’s difficult for women to be vulnerable at work, even if we tend to be naturally good at it.

I often find that the people who object most strongly to showing emotion at work are women. That’s because, historically, it’s been dangerous for us! We’ve had so little permission to express our feelings at work. And our training and our instincts tell us it’s not safe to show a moment of weakness.

What can our teams and leaders do to make vulnerability and emotional openness be safe for all genders?

Men must lead the way.

What do I mean by that? I know some facilitators encourage older white men in leadership position to share first in group settings. If a man shows his feelings, he’s saying, “Hey, I’m opening up, and I’m still strong.” When people in authority model the way they create a safe space where being vulnerable isn’t a weakness.

And the companies who recognize this—who successfully remove the taboo and focus on feelings, vulnerability, and relationships at work––will have an incredible competitive advantage.

This is a controversial topic! I’m curious what you think. Do you agree? Do you feel safe being vulnerable at work? Hit reply and let me know!

– Charlene

My Latest:

• My thought leadership philosophy: Give away as many ideas as possible. In Leading Disruption, I share how I’ve used this approach to build my career—and how you can, too.

• Have you ever been told to meditate? Guess what? I don’t care if you do! But I DO care that you practice mindfulness as I believe it’s the foundation for listening and leadership. Join me live on Tuesday, August 9th at 9am PT to learn how.

Good Things:

• Reads/Listens: I just re-listened to The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. While it’s highly applicable for individuals, I listened to the second half of the book to review how organizational habits bring about massive change. If you’re driving change, the book is worth a quick read to on how to change corporate behaviors.  

• Referrals: On Tuesday’s livestream, I talked about one of leaders’ biggest challenges: knowing where to put their limited time and attention. One thing that helps me practice mindful discipline is bullet journaling. When I feel like I’m procrastinating and not getting anything done, I time stamp every new task so I can see where my time is going. It really keeps me accountable!

• Resource: I bought an RV! It’s really nice––good shape, comfortable, built for two people. Perfect for me and my friend for Burning Man and future adventures. One of the things I’ve invested in is the Starlink for RV, a portable satellite broadband system for use in remote places. (Although it’s not eco at all. Yikes!) And if you’re wondering where the heck we’re parking it in San Francisco: Sparefoot.com! It’s a website that helps you find an RV storage facility no matter where you are.